|This was not the happy face, but I liked it anyway|
But Jack, that was a different story. He wanted nothing to do with me. He totally ignored me for a long time.
Funny conversation between Erik and I tonight:
Me: "Hey. Glad your home. How was work?"
Erik: "It was fine. Lots going on."
That's it. That was the conversation. Why was it funny? Because I just brought our daughter home from an emergency stay in the hospital. A stay that included brain surgery and a day in the PICU. Erik comes home and we pick up living right where we left off. Who does that?
I'm back to sleeping with Lucy curled up beside me. After her last craniotomy she stayed with me for almost 3 weeks. I had just put her back in her bed (with her sister close beside) and now this! It will be a while until I will let her leave my side again. I just love living in fear that she is going to have a seizure or worse.....while she is asleep (insert sarcasm.)
The stress of the last 20 months has hit me like a bomb. I'm not doing well right now. I have definitely entered the anger phase of mourning. Honestly, I'm very numb. The past 3 days seem like a blur. It's almost as if I live totally anticipating the next event that I wasn't even taken off guard when it happened. If I would have had the opportunity, I'm quite sure I could have punched one or more holes in the wall. Which wall? Oh, any of them. All of them. I wouldn't be picky.
Sometimes I sit and think about what has happened, how our lives have changed, how my children will never be the same and I literally seethe with fury. I want to scream, cuss, jump up and down and throw things. I would be worried, but I'm pretty sure this is normal. I'll have to ask my sister. She's the counselor. Or, come to think of it, my sister in law is one too. Maybe they will tell me I'm OK, or not. I don't really care one way or the other.
I've got so much healing to do but its hard to find the right time to start that little task when "we" keep getting blind sided. The hits seem relentless. I just want my baby to be able to go to school. Is that too much to ask?
I sure don't sound like Super Mom right now do I? Well, I've never claimed that title. I know the truth and I'm OK with it. God can handle my anger, my many doubts, my insecurities, my fears. He can handle me being so upset with Him that I can't even pray right now. I've been hurt and I've been let down. I am demanding answers that I may never get.
I have discovered a book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and I can't wait to get my hands on it. Last night, through my tired and tearful eyes, I have read and re-read so many of the amazing quotes from this book. I'm quite sure that this book will not be for everyone, but for a hurting Christian I think it will be very comforting and therapeutic.
"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.
To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.
My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out
That entire quote sums up my life, especially right now. I'm an utter mess but completely aware of a greater love that I could never comprehend. I am thankful for God's mercies, even if they do seem so far away right now. I know, that even if I can't fully accept it, His hands holding me tight are the only things keeping me from completely falling apart.