"We're not doubting that God will do the best for us, we're wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -CS Lewis
Things around the Krull house are good. Really good. Lucy is still recovering from surgery and seems to struggle with stamina at times, but all in all we can't complain. We've been spending a lot of time coloring and reading books. We've visited friends and even went to see a movie. We've lined up a new PT and OT plan that will happen at LeBonheur and we've scheduled Lucy's next set of scans for August 2nd. One day before my birthday. With all that's gone on lately we know that right now, Lucy is cancer free. These scans are non-negotiable, though. Protocol is protocol and we have to stick with the schedule. I can say, with some certainty, that these will probably be the most stress free scans Lucy will ever have. (Thank you God.)
While its been nice being home, the reality of being gone from June 3-July 19 is catching up with me. I feel buried under a mountain of mail, laundry, toys and a to-do list a mile long. I hate to use this word, but I am "overwhelmed!" For those that know me its no surprise that I have dealt with anxiety before. It's amazed me over the past 18 months that I have only had 1 day...1 day when I've had an anxiety attack. But, get me in an unorganized house with a to-do list and I can hardly breathe. I have been bagging toys, clothes, kitchen items...you name it! I have a trunk load to take to Good Will and the Carl Perkins Child Abuse center. I always feel better after a good purge. School starts in just 2 1/2 weeks and I just don't want to start in a deficit.
Being home also brings about other challenges that are hard to deal with. When you have a child that is sick you find yourself at times as close to God as humanly possible and then other times your relationship with Him can seem like a distant memory. I find myself so focused on Him, so in touch with Him when I have nothing else to do but talk to Him and plead with Him, all day long every day. I have to admit that the distractions of home and family really challenge my prayer life. It's quite ironic, actually. When it comes to Lucy's health I have totally surrendered control. It's all in God's hands. I have nothing left to do but speak to God and find my strength through Him.
HOWEVER...at home, its a different story. When I walk in the doors to my home the Super Mom cape goes on and I'm back in "control." Things only happen if I make them happen. Schedules need to be made, dinner menus have to be planned, toy chests need to be organized, PT, OT and gymnastics have to be arranged. I'm in control. And, as you can imagine, that's when I start feeling anxious. That's when I loose sight of God. That's when my priorities change. And that's when everything falls apart.
You'd think I'd have learned by now. Geez!
But yet, the cycle still continues and I still seem to run the rat race that will never end. The race that will never be won. I'm working on it though. I really am. When I look back in 10 years, I hope to say that Lucy's illness broke me. I hope I can see that the barriers were knocked down in my daily prayer life and my daily walk with God. I hope to be able to truly see all the blessings that have come out of Lucy's sickness. My eyes have already been opened to so much and I pray that God will continue to reveal those things to me as time goes on.
I'm a work in progress and I'm not ashamed to admit it. This road has been painful. I'll never understand why our family's journey took such a sharp turn on Feb 23, 2011. None of it makes sense. But I agree with the great C.S. Lewis and I know that God will do the best for us. This journey is only temporary and this life is ever fleeting. This world is not our home and we have so much more to long for. Tonight, I am thankful for a loving and forgiving God. One who will never give up on me, no matter how miserably I fail.