Ever wonder how you can be in such a good "place" in your life and then all of a sudden things take a turn in the wrong direction, quickly? How you can feel so close to God and feel so secure in your Christian walk and then all of a sudden you start doubting the one who gave you life? Well, here's how it happens (in my life at least):
When I get scared, confused, feel as if things are spiraling out of control, I lean so heavily on God. I pray--oh, how I pray. (Like when we were last faced with this feeding tube issue.) I pray with such amazing fervor. And I mean every word that I pray and I truly believe God can and will answer those prayers. Then things begin to settle down and my mind is removed from those issues that were burdening me and I get distracted by everyday life. My kids, my house, my husband, my friends. All of a sudden, those fervent prayers decrease to a morning prayer and night prayer. You know, when I find time.
I start trying to work things out on my own. I start answering my own questions, solving my own problems. And then....BAM! Smacked in the face again by the reality that I have abandoned the very God that has so many times rescued me from myself. Today is one of those days.
Jack has been sick, Lucy has been sick. I am scared that these past 3 days have pushed Lucy back so far that she is going to end up with the G-tube after all. We are having to make some hard decision about school for her next semester and I have been making myself crazy with my calendar trying to make it all happen.
As I stood in the shower this morning with my mind racing with a list of to-do's a mile long I just lost it. I cried and cried. I am angry with myself for doing this again. Why? Why do I do this all the time? Why can't I just live a life of constant submission to God? Things sure would be a lot easier and a lot less stressful if I would. This will be a struggle for me the rest of my life. Thanks to this type-A personality I was "blessed" with, letting things go just isn't my cup of tea.
So, here are the things I am letting go of today:
1. We have decided not to send Lucy back to school in the spring. 2 things are going to have to happen. We either have to find a tutor that can come in, or she can go to, every day for at least 2 hours a day. Or, I have to find a sitter who can come over every morning and watch Jack so that I can teach Lucy. I know what I want to happen--I want to find a tutor. However, I am open to whatever God wants. I just need to get an answer soon. There I go again! This morning I had typed out an email/text sending it to every person I know asking for suggestions for tutors or sitters. But I never sent it. Something just didn't feel right about it. I am going to sit back for a few days and see what will happen. God will answer this for me. Just not right this minute.
2. I am worried about Lucy's weight. She is so weak. She has not played with her cousins at all this trip and has spent most of her time curled up on the couch. I want so desperately for her to be normal again. It really, really makes me sad and angry. But I know I can't force her to be something she is not ready to be yet. I know she will get there. It is just going to take a lot of time. We go back to St. Jude on Friday and I will heed the advice of the Dr. W. If she feels we are too far behind the curve, then a feeding tube it will be. I will accept it and move on and be very grateful that I got to have my family all under one roof for Christmas.
3. Fear of the future. And when I say fear I mean total, gripping fear that makes me want to vomit. Yesterday Erik and I did a little after Christmas bargain shopping. I found a major steal on some little knit dresses for Lucy. Out of habit, I picked up a few Christmas prints for the next year. As I was looking at them I allowed myself to think the unthinkable. "What if she's not....." I can't type it. Thinking it was hard enough.
So, this is where I am today. I'm a mess. But I have history to look to and from my worst messes is where God shines the brightest.